Preparing for a Conversation
Start Early
Successful family conversations begin with good preparation and caring communication. With sensitivity toward the feelings of older drivers, families can help the older driver make safe driving decisions and ensure peace of mind for the entire family. Ideally, the transition from driver to passenger will happen gradually over time, allowing all family members to adjust to new circumstances.
When is the right time to initiate a discussion? Long before there is a problem. Early, candid conversations reinforce driving safety issues without the pressure of asking someone to limit or stop driving altogether.
Safe Driving Conversation Openers
Here are some conversation openers:
"Health and safety first."
When driving is placed within the larger context of other safety concerns, it may take the personal edge off the conversation.
"Driving isn't what it used to be."
Family members of any age can find common ground by talking about stressful road conditions. Restricting driving in order to compensate for worsening driving conditions makes sense for all drivers.
"Did you hear about the car accident in the news today?"
Use news reports to inform – not scare – older persons. Headline news about accidents that involve older and younger drivers can provide an opportunity to explore your family member's attitudes about unfit drivers and the question of who can help them decide when to relinquish the keys.
"How did Granddad stop driving?"
This opener may provide an opportunity to reveal personal feelings about driving and family intervention.
Who Should Do the Talking
Hearing sensitive information from the right person can make a big difference. To increase the chances of success, carefully select the person who will initiate the discussion. Older adults typically prefer to speak confidentially about driving safety with someone they trust.
Outspoken or authoritative family members are not ideal to open the early discussions on driving, but may better serve as the enforcer of driving decisions later on, if necessary.
The Hartford/MIT Agelab research indicates that marital status is a significant factor that determines who should have the conversation with the older driver.
50% of married drivers prefer to hear about driving concerns first from their spouses. Doctors are a close second, followed by adult children. Older drivers living alone prefer to hear first from their doctors, adult children, close friends or other supportive helpers.
Spouses
Men prefer to hear from a spouse slightly more than do women. Spouses have the advantage of observing driving over time and in different situations, as well as years of experience in dealing with sensitive topics and each other's limitations.
Not all married couples choose their spouses for this conversation. More than 15 percent of older men and women said their spouses were their last choice for hearing about driving concerns. That's why it's important to assess individual preferences before having conversations about driving.
Doctors
Outside of the family, the opinions of doctors are often valued by older drivers.
- Almost 33% of those living with spouses and over 40% of those living alone said they want to hear first from their doctor.
- Many older adults think that physicians can precisely determine their ability to drive safely.
- People who have health problems are more likely to listen to driving advice from a doctor.
However, not all doctors agree that they are the best source for making decisions about driving. Physicians may not be able to detect driving problems based on office visits and physical examinations alone.
However, doctors can assess diminished visual, cognitive and motor skills. And they can refer the driver to an independent occupational therapist who is qualified to conduct a comprehensive driving evaluation.
This referral may avoid unnecessary conflict when the doctor, family members, and older driver have differing opinions. Family members should work with doctors and share observations about driving behavior and health issues to help older adults make good driving decisions.
Adult Children
Adult children seem to have more influence with parents over 70 than with younger parents in their 50s and 60s. These differences often correlate to health changes and shifts in parent-child relationships later in life. Older drivers also tend to be more open to adult children who live nearby.
Women are generally more receptive than men to hearing from their adult children. Men are slightly more inclined to choose sons over daughters, while women are more likely to choose daughters.
Among individuals living alone:
- 33% said they would prefer to hear about unsafe driving from their adult children.
- Nearly 15% of men and women living alone ranked their children as the last ones from whom they want to hear about driving.
Other
Persons other than spouses and adult children may influence driving decisions. Some older adults would be open to hearing from:
- A close friend
- A sibling.
- An adult child's spouse.
Approximately 10% of older drivers living alone said they would choose a close friend to initiate the driving conversation. These preferences most likely reflect the quality of their relationships.
Police Officers
More than anyone else, older adults strongly prefer not to hear about driving concerns from police officers.
While some older adults may not welcome families talking about their driving, they still find it preferable than hearing from police.
However, police intervention may be necessary in situations where an older driver is unsafe and unwilling to curtail driving.
Do the Homework
Before you ask a family member to significantly restrict or stop driving, it's important to do your homework.
- Get the facts. Use the Warning Signs Worksheet as a guide, observe your relative's driving, and look for patterns of warning signs of future problems. In focus groups, people reported that they were more willing to listen to those who had driven with them.
- Observe the older driver behind the wheel over time. Has the driver expressed personal concerns about driving safety? Is the older driver limiting where and when he or she drives?
- Discuss your concerns with a doctor and determine what information you need to provide, given your relative's medical conditions. Some doctors may take an active role in assessing a driver's skills and rendering an opinion; others will refer a concerned patient to a driving specialist for a comprehensive driving evaluation.
- Investigate the alternatives for helping older drivers adjust to driving limitations. Consider how to satisfy social and transportation needs when the older adult curtails or ceases driving. Relatives may need to set aside time to provide rides. In addition, think about increasing the frequency of visits, outings, phone calls, and e-mails.
- Use the “Getting There” Worksheet to help you assess driving alternatives so that the older adult is not left house-bound.
- Complete the Transportation Cost Worksheet to help you and the older driver calculate the current amount of money that he or she is spending on transportation.
- Be Supportive. The transition from driver to passenger is not always easy or smooth. Your support and understanding is necessary before, during and after driving changes are made.
Here are ways you can show your support:
- Be patient and expect to have several conversations to achieve a balance between safety and independence.
- Know that men may require more repeat conversations than women.
- Don't be dissuaded by initial negative reactions.
- During each conversation, share your genuine safety concerns and desire to protect the driver's best interests.
