How do you bring up an uncomfortable topic? Getting off to a good start can make the difference between success and failure. If subtle approaches aren't enough, more persuasive measures will be needed.
Take heart. Although challenging, these conversations can work. According to our survey, more than half of the older adults followed the suggestions made in conversations about driving. Armed with that encouragement, what should you say to an older driver? Here are some suggestions that can help you in your discussions:
According to our research, many older adults think that family members should talk with them when potential problems arise. The following occurrences provide opportunities to talk about driving skills:
Here are suggestions for starting frank discussions without sensationalizing difficult circumstances:
"I'm glad that you've cut down on night driving. I would never want you to drive when you're not comfortable or feel that it's too risky."
When adults modify their driving in small ways without guidance from others, families should praise self-regulation as a positive step and not discourage the driver's actions. For example, don't dismiss the older adult as a worrier and discourage the driver who is limiting night driving by leaving a family gathering before dark. Be supportive and express your willingness to support their transportation needs.
"Have you asked your doctor about the effects of your new medication on your driving?"
Many medications have sedative effects that can prevent a person from processing information quickly. About 75% of older adults think that a significant change in their health is a legitimate reason to have a discussion about driving.
"That was a close call yesterday. I worry about your safety on the road."
According our research:In situations where the older driver was not at fault, families might want to discuss the driver's diminishing ability to drive defensively. In all cases, these discussions are more productive if they are not held at the accident scene.
"I'm worried about your getting lost."
Almost 70% of older adults say that getting lost while driving could be cause for conversation. Getting lost in a familiar place may suggest potentially serious cognitive health issues that could affect driving skills. This may also be a good time to get a doctor involved in the discussion.
Older drivers may express strong emotions when someone talks to them about their driving. The Hartford and MIT AgeLab research showed: Nearly 1/4 of older adults reported feeling sad or depressed as a result of the conversation, but less than 10% reported responding with anger.
Older adults in poor health are more likely to have negative reactions. They may agree with the assessment of their driving ability but feel depressed at the thought of relinquishing driving privileges.
Negative reactions are often more about the message than the messenger. Older adults understand the implications of driving cessation:
Families also experience strong emotions. Sometimes family members become angry and frustrated, while others feel guilty for depriving their loved one of the freedom of driving.
Remember:If an older driver doesn't realize that his or her driving is a serious problem, it is necessary to have follow-up conversations with the driver, family members, doctors or law enforcement officials.
Here are some more direct appeals to help persuade a high-risk driver not to drive:
"Even if you were not at fault in a collision, you could be seriously injured or die."
Regardless of who is at fault, older adults are more likely to be injured or killed because they have less capacity to endure the physical trauma of an accident. Pre-existing medical conditions may complicate recovery or result in death.
"I know you would feel terrible if someone was hurt when you were driving."
Concern for others is often a stronger motivation than concern for self. In addition to physical harm to others, an accident can pose enormous financial and legal risks. Families should tactfully mention this possibility, but not dramatize the point.
"I'm afraid to let the grandchildren ride with you."
An older relative may realize the degree of concern when family members will not ride with them. Protecting lives is more important than protecting feelings.
"Let's talk with your doctor about this."
Blame the poor health, not the driver. Preferably, find out the doctor's opinion before suggesting this step. The doctor might not agree with the family's assessment nor want to assume the role of determining who should drive.
Effective conversations encourage future planning and show respect for the older adult's ability to make appropriate decisions. When you observe the older person modifying his or her driving habits, use these opportunities to explore transportation options together to give the older adult time to adjust to them.
Here are suggestions of what to say:
"If you don't want to drive at night, we can arrange for someone to pick you up."
Commend the older driver for being cautious and help arrange transportation.
"Let's take the bus so we don't have to deal with the parking downtown."
Practice public transportation together before it becomes a necessity. And remember, public transportation may be difficult or impossible to use for some older adults with physical or cognitive difficulties. In these cases, families are often the first and only alternative transportation.
"You could save hundreds of dollars if you sold your car."
Insurance, maintenance, depreciation, and gasoline costs make owning and operating a car expensive. Even taxi services can be more economical. Use the Transportation Cost Worksheet to understand the costs of driving alternatives.
"What if something happened and you couldn't drive? What would you do?"
Ask what-if questions to encourage advance planning.
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This guidebook provides families with easy-to-use, practical information to help them plan ahead and initiate productive and caring conversations with older adults about driving safely.
This guidebook helps families determine when it's time for loved ones with dementia to stop driving and helps them cope with driving cessation.
